I want to write...

...but I'm not really there.

Whilst people in the UK were tucking into their lunch I was having parts of my body frozen to -5 degrees centigrade and having grade 'A' poisons flushed through my body.  Half a litre of Epirubicin (Macmillan link here), a litre of Cisplatin (Macmillan link here) in an astounding two and a half hours!  150 minutes.  That is what I was doing.  Hope you enjoyed your lunch, I really did not enjoy mine.

Afterwards I felt better but at one point, and I am not afraid to say it, I damned near lost it during the treatment.  I came so close to tears it took everything to not break down in the middle of the ward.  In the last two months there have been occasions when I've felt like that, but today was the closest.  And at some points over the last few days I have just felt so scared.  I am relieved today is over.  So far no problems, but only so far.  The hospital even had a specialist nurse in to take care of me today, that made me feel especially cared for.  But it doesn't ever take away the feelings inside.  More than one person has called me brave for how I am dealing with this, but I don't have an option.  I can't run away from cancer.  If I sit in a chair, the cancer is there with me.  If I go into another room, the cancer comes with me.  If I were to curl up in a ball with tears running down my cheeks to hide from it, cancer would be there in that ball.  It wouldn't care about the tears and wouldn't care that I was trying to hide.

Either way, I am home.  I have eaten.  I had a very small incidence of nausea, felt a little sick but it may be because I missed breakfast and no lunch.  It's nice to be home, I was only in hospital for a few house, but I really don't want to be.  I'm feeling lonely, but until tomorrow I can't do anything.

Tomorrow, it's the drugs at home, what are called TTO.  Tablets to Take Out (I kid you not).  I'll post a photo later, probably tomorrow, so you can see what I have to take, my chemo-take-away if you will.  In the meantime, I need to just switch off and feel the poisons in my blood.  Hopefully, sleep will come and there will be no tears.

Jym

Oh, and today was not a bad day.  It was as good as it could be.  A day to feel blessed.